Labour candidate, Alan Cretin won the Sparrow-on-the-Wold mayoral by-election last night. Cretin, a former Miss World and the first person to legally breastfeed a Stoat, thrashed second-placed Tory winner Cardinal Ken "Mincepie" McGregor.
Fellow supporters of McGregor, known as "The Mincers" attacked non-ecclesiastical images, after being informed of the loss. A jazzy picture of Skegness was the first of a long line of un-sacred images that bought it. Next was a signed photo of Alan Rickman in a pair of overalls as the wanton violence sporadically broke out.
Onlookers, including an old woman up some Scaffolding had to run for their lives after result was read out in a cupboard, based in the local library.
Cretin, a former schoolboy, was overjoyed following his heartfelt pledge to the populace, where he claimed that Gravy could flow uphill, The Chuckle Brothers are secretly Siamese twins, and that one day, a Herring will be voted into Parliament.
Upon these declarations, "Mincepie" called these proclamations as "as bonkers as a Wizard with a Seagull in his pants"....he then made his own oath, where he claimed that an infamous filmstar had "fed Heroin up his anus"...a claim, he thought would go down well with the electorate, but obviously he bottomed out with that tale.
Later, Cretin announced that he had celebrated the win, by dancing to The Spice Girls "Wannabe", just wearing a thong...