Biscuits and coffee in the NHS are to become rationed under strict new spending regulations proposed by Tony Blair, we can announce. "For many months now we have cut back on everything to save money" said one manager, who preferred to remain named "things like patient care and medication have all been cut. Now we move into the vital area of management biscuit provision. We will be savage, make no mistake" he added.
Many trusts have had to make cutbacks "We know of people who are having to suffer the indignity of jammy dodgers. We have heard the horror stories of thsoe consultants who, due to the stricter controls have had to foregoe chocolate hobnobs." said Patricia Hewitt " and we sympathise. We really do. But the fact is we have to make cuts". Already some trusts have had to cut back on vital provisions such as cake and sandwiches, and one trust has gone so far as to completely withdraw all sweet bowls and taramasalata dips.
"It is breaking point. Some of our managers are having to live on expenses alone. "said one hospital chairman. Patients groups are also up in arms "We fully expect to wake from operations covered in crumbs, or with a cleaner dusting out our navel with pledge, but this is terrible. If the Health service can no longer provide jam filled dodgers of decent quality, then what are we paying our taxes for?".
It is indeed a health service in crisis, where operations have been cancelled and waiting lists continue to boom. One hospital in the UK has replaced it's Doctors with cartoons. While another hospital in the west midlands has diverted all it's money into biscuit attainment to meet Government targets, by replacing the entire hospital with a cost-effective illustration.
Tony Blair was supportive but firm "We understand the pressures that the health service is under. We have called this meeting because we care about the NHS. It is safe in our hands. The people who use the NHS are seeking biscuits, often expense accounts and executive offices. We, as a nation must both support and respect that. That is why I have brought my own Assortment tin".