A Dental Surgery on Pulp Street in Dorking closed its doors for the final time today, as Dorking Dentist John Douglas finally decided to call it a day, and hang up his drill.
Douglas blamed a chronic lack of patients for the closure, as he admitted that he has only treated three patients in the last two years.
"I can't understand it," he told a Dorking Review reporter. "People all over the country appear to be complaining about a shortage of affordable dentists, yet over the past two years I've been sat in the surgery doing crossword puzzles and surfing the internet, simply because of a lack of patient interest. Huuurrrrung! Phwoar! Wa-HEEYY! Sorry about that old boy. Got a bit of a twitch you see. Once poked meself in the eyeball with a dental mirror. Fnaaarrrrggggh! Ping! Wasn't the slightest bit amusing. Nearly had me blithering eye out. HAGH-WARROO! PHWAAAAYY!"
Reaction in the town has been somewhat muted, with few residents expressing surprise at the closure.
"A mate of mine once went there," Dorking man, Dave Davidson told reporters. "Big mistake. It left him a jibbering wreck and a shadow of his former self for weeks. It appears that the dentist sat my mate down in the chair, explained about the root canal procedure my mate was about to undergo, when the dentist started stuttering and twitching uncontrollably. Then he drilled a hole in the wall and tossed that glass of pink mouthwash stuff in his assistant's face. My mate was traumatised - he had to have counselling. Now he has a phobia about dentists."
Further investigations revealed that the dentist in question, John Douglas, who can't be named for regal seasons, has also been sued for damages on several occasions by 'no win no fee' legal beagles, and has faced more than one competency inquiry by the British Council Of Dental Surgeons.
Yet, amazingly, he was exonerated every time.
Documents received by the Dorking Review reveal that on one occasion, Douglas was overcome by a fit of slathering, shouting: "PHWEEEP-DING!" repeatedly, and headbutting the x-ray display, whilst allowing an untrained dog catcher to remove three molars from a Polish man, using a hammer and chisel.
Upon being questioned about the incident, the dentist replied that he just couldn't help himself from shouting things like "PHWEEP-DING!" "PHWAAAAYYYY!!!" "WALLOOOOOPPPPPP!!!" "PHWOARRR!" "NIB-NIB-NIBLICK!" and "KABOSH-BANG-BOOM!!!"
Adding that he never used the word "BA-LAP-BAM-BOOM!" because in his opinion that was over the top and absolutely unnecessary.
"That's a bit too rock and roll - even for me...SPUNT! FLICK! JUFFWAYYY!" Douglas stated.
It isn't all bad news for the town's dental reputation though, as German dentist Larry Oliver is to take over the Pulp Street premises in March, announcing that his services would be made freely available on the NHS.
"I vill run a very safe practice," he said. "Very safe. It is safe you know. Is it not?"
Film actor Dustbin Hofftootsiewoman announced that he has no immediate plans to visit Dorking - much less going to the dentist.
More as we get it.