Written by IainB
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Saturday, 5 May 2012

image for Turkey Farm constructs a new fence
Is it cannibalism?

Turkey farms across the country, but mainly in Somerset, have adopted a new security system for keeping the turkeys in and the things that eat turkeys out.

"It's called chicken wire," said Mathew Bernard, who runs a turkey farm in Somerset. "It's a marvellous invention that has been in development for the past twenty years. It's made out of chickens."

Bernard takes the bits that are left over from a neighbouring chicken farm after they've taken the meat off for selling in supermarkets, the feathers off for stuffing pillows, the almost meaty bits left over for southern fried fast food joints and the majority of the bones for stock cubes.

"Admittedly," said Bernard, "by the time the other industries have taken their cuts of chicken, there isn't much left over for me to make my chicken wire. It's mainly beaks and claws."

However, beaks and claws are the sharpest bits of chicken, which is why they are not used for stuffing pillows. This makes them ideal for chicken wire, as the sharpness keeps foxes, bears and inquisitive children at bay.

"I did try making turkey wire," said Bernard. "Being a turkey farm, it seemed to make sense. However, the beaks and claws from turkeys are already used to make Taiwanese jewellery. I don't know why the Taiwanese like turkey beak jewellery, but they do. It's a major source of revenue for me."

Even though there are only eight claws and one beak per chicken, the Somerset chicken farms get through so many chickens, that Bernard has managed to put a three metre fence around his whole farm.

"It has to be that high," said Bernard. "Those Somerset Kangaroos can jump pretty high."

With so much left over bits of chicken still pouring into his farm from neighbours glad to be rid of it, Bernard is now able to go into production producing chicken wire for customers.

"I've received an order from Texas," he said. "They want to use my chicken wire fencing for their border with Mexico."

The only downside with using chicken wire for fencing his property is that turkeys seem to find it delicious.

"I have to keep replacing it," he said. "The turkeys can get through a twelve metre section in about an hour."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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