London - Highly trained psychic worriers have broken through security barriers shielding the Prime Monster according to reports.
Late last night a crack NATO special combat squad penetrated microwave barriers protecting David Cameron and his Mrs from tricky NewsCorpse questions.
Their findings confirm what satirists and peddlers of alternative government have always suspected since the creation of the Common Market.
"Mostly daft Project MKULTRA stuff from the 1960s," covert team leader Brigadier X commented, "including eugenic recipes for the perfect client-dictator."
The widely discredited CIA human experimentation program sought to manipulate individual mental states and alter brain functions to create wannabe Prime Ministers, Presidents and other dross.
A sneak preview of the team's findings shows it upholds verbal testimony from the 1970s against rogue CIA director Richard Helms in charge of the project.
Acting mainly on orders of Yale University's notorious Skull And Bones paedo cult Helms instigated the surreptitious administration of drugs and other chemicals to thousands of targeted victims.
He also put them through sensory deprivation, hypnosis, extended isolation, Vatican-style verbal and sexual abuse and random torture applications.
Unfortunately for Helms a significant proportion of experimentation targets were empaths with significant abilities to reroute the effects of their inhuman treatment.
Some of those survivors now form the elite NATO anti-bullshit squad that broke through the alpha-wave shield in the Cameron household to reveal classified horrors about the Coalition Cabinet.
Among national secrets siphoned off from Cameron's brain is the true ID of Home Secretary Theresa May, outed as one of Lord Lucan's bastard spawn.
Culture Secretary Jeremy *unt comes into the frame as her firstborn son following a dalliance with a daft KGB warlord.
And little Miss butter-wouldn't-melt-in-her-mouth Samantha Cameron?
"She's the ultimate Borg Queen in a hive full of drones," the Brigadier explained in some embarrassment.
Andy Coulson is 69.