Written by Joe Leff
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Tuesday, 1 May 2012

A woman has appeared in court over a giant sieve which closed one of London's busiest shopping streets.

Colleen Colander was charged with possession of an overlarge sieve. She was also accused of recklessly endangering life by trying to force people through the sieve.

Mrs Colander, sporting a hairnet and fishnet stockings, said that the streets were full of scum, and that she wanted to sort the riff from the raff.

Twelve pensioners with heavily-dimpled faces appeared as witnesses for the prosecution, together with a six-month-old baby looking like a heap of spaghetti.

Wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with "I love sieves", Mrs Colander shouted at the magistrate "I don't care where you send me as long as there's a sieve!"

Her defence counsel said that waiting for a decision had been a bit of a strain for Mrs Colander.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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