Written by Inchcock
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Monday, 30 April 2012

image for Health Minister Andrew Lansley classifies 'Binge Spoofing' as a Mental Personality Disorder!
None of the medication prescribed have helped Mr Utterswaithe

Bartholomew Utterswaithe (65), a former Street Gas Lamp Wick-trimmer, lighter, and extinguisher from Nottingham, is the first person to be officially graded/classified as a 'Binge Spoofer' by the NHS.

We visited Mr Utterswaithe's GP, a very pretty but nervous Dr V Mindla explained between twitches:

After Mr Utterswaithe was made redundant for the forth time, his health began to suffer. Bladder cancer, Arthritis, Impetigo, Duodenal ulcers, Deafness, Hernias, Water retention, Boils, Skin eruptions as yet unidentified, Tooth Decay, Headaches, Acid Reflux Disease, Depression, Haemorrhoids, Hypertension, Memory Loss, Sleep Disorders, and Social Anxiety, were a few of the things he suffered with.

Then when he went into heart failure and had a to have a new valve fitted, it came to light that he had joined The Spoof.com as a contributor. He came to me, a total wreck with withdrawal symptoms when the site had gone down with an outage, it was so sad!

I had a look at some of the rubbish he'd had published, and knew something had to be done to try and help him.

It seems he was partly convinced that he was not going to survive the initial heart surgery... and fair enough we were all surprised here when he did, that he started to write as much crap as he could, in the hope that someone in the internet sphere would remember him - He has no friends in real life.

As I say, he did amazingly survive, but cannot free himself from his addiction to Spoofing.

After further research, it transpired that there are many others throughout the world in the same predicament, and some of them can actually write, spell, and invent stories with genuine entertainment and humour content!

None of the medication I prescribed have helped Mr Utterswaithe, mind you he does keep forgetting where they are, what they are, and to take them.

Eventually I and some other colleagues drew up a plan, and sent it to the Health Ministry and NHS, with the hope of getting this condition recognised in its own right, and start to create an effective corrective procedure to help those suffering.

We can now report that after consultations on the proposals, Andrew Lansley CBE MP, Secretary of State for Health, has instructed his underlings Simon Burns MP, Minister of State for Health, Paul Burstow MP, Minister of State for Care Services, Anne Milton MP, Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Public Health, and Lord Howe, Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Healthcare Quality, to accept and add the classification of 'Binge Spoofing' to the officially recognised NHS illnesses/diseases list, along with Alcohol/Drug Addiction, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, Delusional disorder, Alcohol/Substance Abuse, Depression, Schizophrenia, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder, Selective Mutism, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

We understand that as going to press, Dr Mindla's suggestion of Assisted suicide being one route to adopt, has not been accepted.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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