Written by Simon Saunders
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Sunday, 29 April 2012

image for Mad Old Woman Banned From First Buses
The old woman who caused the furore. She has to walk everywhere now. Serves her right.

Our nations' pensioners are sure to throw their arms into the the air, in despair, if they're able to, after one of them was unceremoniously ejected from and subsequently banned from all 'First' bus services for the rest of her life, what's left of it.

The woman, Phylis Liverspot, who cannot be named for legal reasons, spent an entire two hour journey from Hawick to Edinburgh providing a running commentary for the other bemused passengers.

One fellow traveller, Ally Gater, told us, "The silly old bag wouldn't shut up. Every few seconds she would pipe up to tell us something. It started when we pulled up next to an Iceland store. "Oh, that's a lovely place to buy your food son", she said to no one in particular. Every time we got near a bus stop she helpfully informed the driver of how many people were waiting to get on. Every bus that drove past on the other side would result in her bellowing out its destination."

We understand that the driver of the bus requested permission to sedate the old lady by using his onboard tranquiliser gun. His first attempt whizzed through her blue rinsed hair, causing it to droop alarmingly. He reloaded and took aim again, this time he focused on her right bingo wing. As the tranquiliser dart penetrated her saggy skin causing her bingo wing to flap uncontrollably, she slumped into her seat.

Within a minute she was back flapping her gums again. The tranquiliser hadn't worked. The panic stricken passengers huddled together at the back of the bus with their fingers in their ears in an attempt to avoid the barrage of drivel coming from the old woman's thin lips. The old biddy noticed this and swiftly produced a loud hailer from her handbag so she could continue her ramblings.

As the bus pulled in to Edinburgh bus station an armed response unit was waiting to apprehend the waffling old bat. We believe she was taken away for a light beating before being released.

Upon departing the bus, five passengers were rushed to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary with blood streaming from their ears.

First buses released a statement saying that the lady has been banned from all their buses with immediate effect. They also confirmed reports that the driver is now in a local facility after suffering a nervous breakdown shortly after the journey was completed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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