"I've always hated music. I hate it with a passion that burns deeply within me. It's an all consuming hatred that almost single handily sustains me on a day to day basis. That and pizza; man I fucking love pizza."
This was the shocking opening statement made to Back and to the Left news by Peter Andre when he rang us for a sensational telephone interview. After assuring us that he "was totally Peter Andre" and there was "no way this could be Andy from down the road pissing around" the interview began.
"I never wanted to make music. All I ever wanted to do was work out and flex my abs for women at the beach. Then this guy asked me if I would jump around in the sea while shouting "Mysterious Girl". He said he'd give me a tenner to do it so I did."
When we asked him if he'd seen the Back and to the Left tribute video to the song he said he had.
"Yeah I remember; two flabby northern lads leaping around in a puddle outside of Hull city centre. It was a good try boys but it didn't really have the same raw sexuality as mine."
We reluctantly agreed and wiped a tear away from our crestfallen eyes. Peter continued:
"My idea after Mysterious Girl was to create as much bad music as possible to help a fledgling market of bland, government friendly, inoffensive pop grow."
"So essentially pouring bleach into the sperm bank of creativity?" We asked.
There was a long heavy pause with nothing but long breaths from the other end of the line. We assume this is how Peter felt when he had conversations with his ex-wife about anything but herself.
"Yes" he said "It was exactly like that."
He put the phone down and we checked Facebook. We still don't have any friends.