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Thursday, 26 April 2012

image for Councillors Wade-in to Rescue Colony of Endangered Synchronised Swimmers
It's all a load of balls of course.

Dorking Council today revealed plans for a synchronised swimmer's sanctuary to be built at the rear of the Speedy-Fit tyre depot on Bleasdale Street.

The sanctuary, which will include a heavily chlorinated Olympic size pool, with an underwater sound system capable of broadcasting songs from Busby Berkley musicals at up to 110 decibels, is expected to be completed by next February, and will cost in the region of 2.3 million pounds.

The development is deemed to be necessary, following growing concern over the lack of synchronised swimmers within the district. It is hoped that the scheme will prevent the disappearance of the Dorking Synchronised Swimmer which was once such a common sight within the town boundaries.

As recently as five years ago there were more than 250 known synchronised swimmers residing in the local fresh water spaces, but now it is thought that there are no more than a dozen left in the region. This is mainly due to the introduction into the South-East of England of the more aggressive Belgian Water-Polo Player, which has forced the local synchronised swimmers from their natural habitat of the municipal swimming baths.

Local residents have expressed their approval of the council's decision.
Arthur Breem of Greendale Avenue told us:

"I'm very pleased that the council are doing something about this. A few years ago we would often get synchronised swimmers sneaking into our swimming pool first thing in the morning. It was a real delight to see them frolicking around in the water in unison, with one leg in the air. But we haven't seen any here for some time now. Although next door still gets a Japanese high-diver visiting his fish pond each summer."

The last colony of wild synchronised swimmers are thought to reside in a minor tributary of the River Mole, where they are at constant rick from Brest-strokers and passing Walliams. Council workmen hope to be able to trap the synchronised swimmers using cages baited with jars of bright blue eye-shadow and tubes of waterproof mascara, before transporting them to their new home.

Councillor Alan Tench - the head of Dorking Council's Street-Lighting and Libraries Department, who originally raised awareness of the plight of the synchronised swimmers, has stated that; If the project is successful, he hopes to personally instigate a captive breeding programme.

This weeks lucky checkout cashier: Sharon. Aisle 5. Tesbury's Supermarket. High St branch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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