Having announced to the media that he is down to his last £225 million, Simon Cowell he has decided to immediately open his premium cost telephone voting lines for this year's Britain's Got Talent competition.
People who ring the lines - at £8 a minute - won't actually be able to vote for anybody, but that won't make any difference, as when the acts do need voting for, only the votes from those acts who Simon Cowell can make money from will be counted.
Amongst some of the fabulous acts tipped for stardom this year, many straight out from their Community Care orders, include:
* a naked violinist who plays arias from Black Sabbath's greatest hits
* a three-legged dancing goat
* a bank chief executive with his collection of bonuses
* a piece of 4x2 mahogany that hums the Olympic Games theme tune (subject to copyright)
* a dance troupe who specialise in their 100-strong group never dancing in time
* a sword swallower who actually digests the swords and returns three weeks later to "evacuate" them
* a 103 year-old trapeze artist, complete with own private ambulance
* an abhorrent little 6 year-old with ginger ringlets singing excerpts from "Hello Dolly" in an excrutiatingly high voice
While your vote won't be counted and you certainly will be charged, please ring 09997 123 321 immediately so that your money can register in Simon Cowell's bank account as soon as possible. Please.