London - Late last night Royal Protection Racket cops managed to smuggle Justin Bieber from his suite at the Royal Garden Hotel to Nottingham Cottage in nearby Kensington Palace.
The secret meeting went ahead despite rumors of a tip-off that QM-NewsCorpse stringers had bugged the residence and recorded the entire dubious conversation between the two divas.
A transcript of their pathetic little chat is so heir-raising that its publication is justified on national interest grounds, legal sources advised today.
"Basically, Kate confided in Justin that he's only ever so slightly older than her own bastard brat," our-man-behind-the covert-microphone said today.
The birth took place in an Italian castle owned by the Strozzis during her 'gap' year studying Machiavellian arts at the court of Silvio Berlusconi.
The baby's father - rumored to be Kate's actual husband Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne - then picked up the tab and eventually waived through her April 2011 bigamous marriage to daft arsehole Prince William.
"Justin was bug-eyed with astonishment as Kate related the news," a Palace lackey confirmed this afternoon.
"He soon got the message that Kate was turning him down ever so gently from any chance of secret rumpy-pumpy," the source continued, "and eventually the entire rendezvous was sealed with a chaste kiss."
This evening Bieber will be guest of honor at a fish and chip supper hosted by Kate in her official capacity as patron of the National Fishwives Guild.
Apparently a well-hung saveloy - or 'wally' in Scouse parlance - is very much to his taste.