Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 22 April 2012

image for "Demonic Possession - It's The Money Shot For Creationists" Claims Evolutionist
BOO YA! I Am The Devil! Honest!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who tends to believe that Evolutionists have quite a convincing point, whilst simultaneously acknowledging the existence of a higher spiritual order, today took a short break from his usual weekend bouts of 'not doing a great deal of anything' in order to attack the crackpot Creationist movement, who steadfastly insist that the world only started in 1969 - shortly after The Beatles split up.

"How do they explain demonic possession then?" Shuttlecock smirked. "Because if they believe in God, then they must believe in the Devil too. It says in the Bible that even Jesus was tempted by the Devil, and that seems a bit more far fetched than believing in dinosaurs, and life on other planets. At least we have evidence that dinosaurs once walked the earth, and that mankind has evolved into its current state through improved communications and a desire to learn more about the world we live in, and the Universe, come to think of it. Through science and that. They've just pushed the whole thing too far, and we've come on their faces - so to speak. Metaphorically like. Call it a money shot if you will."

Creationist, Harvey R Mellon, of Salt Lake City, Utah, USA responded:

"Don't ask. We don't take too kindly to interrogative questioning. We got no time for such nonsense. We just want y'all to send us bundles of hard cash, so we can spread the word around the world, and shack up with young gullible girls and have lotsa babies and stuff. Young nubile women need to be educated in the ways of the Devil - ahem - so they can successfully avoid such pitfalls. And the Creationist movement is just the thing to put them back on the right track. My Gaahd yes! Oh yes!"

"He just wants to get rich and shag loads of vulnerable young girls by spreading his bullshit instead of working for a living," Shuttlecock countered. "He ought to be fucking ashamed of himself. He's no better than Gary bastard Glitter!"

Mellon responded by ridiculing the evolution theory, denying that the world began pre 1969 before The Beatles broke up, and adding that there was no fossil record which definitively proved that there was life before the late George Harrison sang 'My Sweet Lord.' Let alone knights in shining armour and cavemen.

"Explain demonic possession then," Shuttlecock challenged. "Because that's the biggest load of old bollocks I've ever heard. People go a bit mental sometimes - it's got sweet fuck all to with demons. It's all in their own heads. I mean, if I was a demon, I'm sure I could think of better things to do with my time than possess the souls of pre-pubescent teenaged girls with emotional problems and verbally joust with a fucking priest. And when the demon is finally 'cast out' - where does it go? Does it hang around Burnley bus station for a bit before it decides to possess some other emotionally unstable young girl?"

"This man is an idiot," Mellon commented. "Not only that, he's a dangerous idiot who's screwing with my earning capacity and doing his level best to prevent me from making truckloads of bucks and copulating with vulnerable young ladies. I'll sue the ass off him!"

"Yeah, don't mention the Amityville Horror mate. Now that was a great advertisement for Creationism," Shuttlecock said in closing. "Can't pay your mortgage? Make up a fucking idiotic story about flying pigs and demons and possession and all that bollocks - some cunt will be daft enough to believe you. Put a fucking sock in it mate - you're starting to really get on my tits, and I'm not having it."

Fighting talk there from the Shuttlecock fellow. Who'd have thought he had it in him?

Not us, here at Skoob News, and that's for certain.

More as it dribbles out.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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