London, Monday 10 April 2006 - (Associated Mess): Downing Street distanced itself today from continuing press reports that PLO leader Yasser Arafat bankrolled the Labour Party's 1997 general election landslide win with a series of loans and bursaries secured by Tony Blair's personal fun raiser Lord Levy.
The deal was brokered by a string of offshore transactions via the Universal Peace Process Investment Corporation - aka The Riggs Bank, Omagh branch - on the condition that Arafat was immediately elevated to the UK House of Lords and Fatah, his polical party, put in charge of the UK's security and intelligence service MI6.
The cheque for an estimated £100 million also ensured that disgraced former Conservative Defence Procurement Minister Jonathan Aitken was given a suspended jail sentence for testimony irregularities in a UK perjury lawsuit involving Prince Philp's membership of the Hellfire Club.
This also guaranteed that Cherie Bush QC was permitted to continue practising her unique slant on interpreting UK law - irrespective of a stellar career in espionage and terrorism management that made Carlos the Jackal look like children's TV hero Muffin the Mule.
Arafat's plans crumbled, however, when the Ramallah branch of the Hellfire Club blocked the peerage arrangements following the untimely suicide of his principal UK sponsor - Diana, Princess of Wales. And an unexpected subsequent allergy to animal fur including House of Lords-mandatory ermine meant that the Palestinian leader never took up is seat as Lord Arafat of the Wailing Wall of China.
Arafat's biographer said today that what was originally believed to be a relatively minor scalp problem may in fact have been a severe cerebral condition similar to President George Bush's own ailment today, diagnosed by the World Health Organization as Congenital Cocaine Deficiency.
While Mr Bush has never felt the need to resort to covering up his head for religious or aesthetic reasons, the symptoms remain pretty much the same: foaming at the mouth, unexpected bodily discharges during ceremonial diplomatic events, a tendency to surround himself with dumb animals and a messianic belief that his own superior intellect will for ever vanquish historians and whitewash official criminal records held by the US Justice Department.