In a vain attempt to regain tens of thousands of lost customers and some of it's zero rating credibility after last years so-called, 'price blitz' which saw prices actually skyrocketing, Tesco Supermarkets plan to put 'love' back into the chain.
The boss of Tesco, Chief Executive Philip 'WTF' Clarke has unveiled a plan to 'put the love back' into the stores after announcing another 1% dip in full year sales.
Having unsuccesfully tried to book Barry White to tour around some of the Tesco megastores-and being totally unawhere that the 'growling walrus' is deceased-the hapless Mr Clarke has had to hastily cobble together plan 'B'. The latter consists of a number of quite 'revolutionary subliminal sexual techniques' to get shoppers adrenaline flowing in order to take their minds off the increasing weekly prices aisle by aisle.
For openers, all stores will now play constant Donna Summer songs in order to emphasize the 'love' aspect and sooth the sexually frustrated housewives daily stress.
Special 'spousal creches' will be made available in larger stores in order that wives/girlfriends can leave their partners while they shop unhindered. Entertainment in creches will be provided by younger female staff members who will be scantily dressed and fully trained in both pole and lap dancing. Older spouses will be offered a range of HD quality porn movies to view in order to keep them awake.
New, enhanced changing rooms in the clothing sections will now also double as private lap dance areas where a range of 'extras' will be provided by the dancers for a small fee and double points.
All staff will be issued with new, sexier uniforms from the new exciting upgraded "F&F" (Flay & Fetish) clothing range, comprising of exceedingly tight trousers for males which, it is hoped, will 'enhance' the genital area and keep the female shoppers mind off of the stealth price rises. Younger male staff will be able to unbutton shirts to the waist in order to display their six packs and lower their trousers to display plenty of crack, again as a diversionary measure.
Female staff will be clad in micro-mini skirts and very scimpy tops indeed, complimented by open crotch panties for checkout operators who will be able to 'display' their wares while in a sitting position.
Meanwhile,in keeping with the 'love' theme, part of the vegetable departments will be amalgamated with fresh meats and those members of staff working in both areas will be trained in the art of erotic display. Thus, upon entering these aisles female shoppers will be immediately aware of the ongoing love theme when observing the lovely displays of 'meat and two veg' or mouthwatering marrows, large cucumbers and melons.
Wine and spirit departments will get a special make-over by way of erotic print covered walls and soft-porn signs all emphasising the joys of drink and casual sex followed by an easy lay in general, especially when ratarsed at a party. It is hoped that 'free wine and spirit' samples will be on hand provided by topless Tesco 'Bunny Honey's'. However, this may not prove cost effective what with the prospect of thousands of wino's turning up for freebie drinkie-poo's.
Over at customer service things will really take a turn for the better. Gone will be the surly response by a bored-shitless staff member when they return a pair of knickers that have disintegrated after one wash or trousers that have split after one Vindaloo fart! No siree, each and every female customer service advisor will be specially hand picked for looks, figure, breast size, hair and come hither looks.
Thus, the sight of such beauty will immediately sooth any raging customer in seconds while they are being palmed off with either a shoddy replacement or money-back promise.
Any overly irate male customers who potentially threaten staff will be offered a free hand job, breast relief or, as a last resort fellatio, any of which will be performed in the customer toilets by appointment if they promise to 'calm down'. The latter is expected to be trialled in all Liverpool stores before actually going Nationwide.
Lastly, with consideration for solo male shoppers, Mr Clarke has assembled a special team of 'trolley dollies' who will be on call to escort single men around the store and do their shopping with them. In order that these solo males spend large amounts of money each 'dolly' will wear a special see-through skimpy top and have pert nipples, thus taking the male shoppers mind off the pricey crap being loaded in their basket.
Mr Clarke is confident that his new radical approach to high street shopping will soon lure back the tens of thousands of punters who have deserted Tesco Supermarkets for cheaper rivals such as, LIDL and Aldi, who always offer a friendly love orientated greeting each time you shop, especially those sexy Eastern European checkout babes with husky voices!!