London, Friday April 7 2006 - (Associated Mess): Scientists at the London office of the World Health Organization have warned that a new strain of the lethal bird-brain flu virus has mutated and is now attacking otherwise sensible British women of all ages whose role-models include Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria, stars of the blockbusting American TV show Desperate Fishwives.
An outbreak of the bug was first noticed by EU virologists on the Incontinent last year who raised the alarm that normally rational French women were suddenly naming their newborn baby girls after a particularly nasty-smelling, runny Normandy cheese called Brie - in honor of Fishwives star Mrs Van Der Mein Kampf, the Hysteria Lane housewife played by fiery redhead actress Marcia Cross. "We have been very lucky! Thank goodness the scriptwriters chose the name Brie in preference to, say, Gorgonzola - which is a mouldy, fetid green-oozing confection whose odor compares favorably to Italian drains during a heatwave in August", said a spokesman at the Academie Francaise des Fromages.
This week, signs that the bird-brain virus had finally spread to the United Kingdom were confirmed when health officials were called to a massage parlor in a secluded location on the Scilly Isles following reports that novices employed at the Bloody Mary health spa and hydro had overdosed on Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner in the mistaken belief that, if taken internally, it would banish all visible signs of premature cellulite.
An isolation zone was immediately imposed on the area and the young women taken into quarantine for MRI scans that would be able to detect signs of the deadly bird-brain virus. "This is the first time we have seen proof in the UK that the Fishwives show is mutating and attacking women's cerebral cortex in the manner of the avian flu", said an official in charge of the investigation.
Meanwhile, the government has ordered the NHS to prioritise fast-track production of a vaccine against the lethal strain and has called for mass-immunization of all females under the age of 80 whose personal aspirations to look and dress like Teri Hatcher have been diagnosed by the World Health Organization sure signs of the mutated bird-brain virus.
"There is nothing we can do to stop the show from going on air in the UK", said a spokesman for Tessa Jowl's Department of Vultures, Mediocrity and Sport, "and even less to stop people watching it every week. But a potential pandemic is the last thing we need in the country at the moment and if the stars of the Desperate Fishwives show are the best roll-mops models for our native women, then heaven help us all."