Government health officials are on Red Alert following reports that a bird has died from bird flu. The Bird, a swan living in a loch in Scotland, became ill and then died. Friends of the swan are still in shock but issued the following statement.
"He was OK one day, felt sick the next day and died the next day. We're all still in shock."
Government officials are playing down the significance of the death.
Dr Mort Ality of The Department of Health told The Spoof,
"Yes, a swan has died after contracting bird flu. If I was a bird I'd really worried, anyone living with swans should take measures to minimise their risk. Most of all just keep away from them, especially if they start sneezing. Personally I'd have them all shot, well ok, maybe not shot, poisoning might be better.
"There's no need for the general public to be concerned at all. Go about your normal daily business and try not to worry, just make sure that you don't leave home without your face mask on and if you see any birds run like the wind."
Prime Minister, Tony Blair, speaking from Australia where he is on an extended visit, says he is confident that UK has all the proper precautions in place to combat an outbreak of Bird Flu.
"Look. " He said, "It's just one swan in a remote part of Scotland. I'm not worried, after all I'm about a million miles away and I'm not going back till it's sorted out. If it does spread to humans I'll be the first to get any vaccine anyway. The general public will take a few casualties but the British people are a resilient race and basically will put up with any shit we throw at them. They lived with Thatcher in charge for years and still are happy to be patronised by and looked down on by a monarchy which costs them millions. They've been lied to for ten years by me and still come back for more! I just have the feeling that catching a cold from a swan 500 miles away from where most of them live isn't going to keep people awake at night."
The swan is to be buried in a private ceremony next Tuesday. Relatives have asked the media to respect their wishes and not attend the service.
A media spokesman Dick Rash said.
"I don't think they need worry about anyone getting too near. Not unless they are wearing a full contamination protection suit anyway."