Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 17 April 2012

image for Dorking Police Search Garden For Human Remains
Flowers. In a garden. Probably.

Police in Dorking were at the centre of a row today after digging up a local garden.

Officers from Dorking Central Division, accompanied by dog handlers and an armed response unit descended on 34 Lucknow Gardens shortly after 7am.

"We wanted to make sure it was light - some of the lads get nervous in the dark - so we waited 'til seven," said Det Chief Supt Incapability Green.

But the homeowners Colin and Beryl Handset, both keen prize-winning gardeners, were not pleased with what happened next.

"They dug the bloody backyard up - all of it," sobbed Beryl. "We'd only just finished getting it all ready for the summer and the lawn was looking a treat."

"We were certain to get a prize in the Dorking Summer Blooms contest this year," her husband added. "Not now."

DCS Green denied that the operation was designed to clear the way for his own garden to win this summer's coveted accolade - something he has been striving for over the last six years.

"No, no, no... we had good information that there were human remains buried in those scumbags' garden."

The operation was closed at around 6pm.

"It's true we didn't find what we were looking for, but we'll be keeping an eye on these toerags, you can be sure of that," the DCS added. "Are you local Press? Right - make sure you bring a snapper round my garden come June."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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