London, Thursday 6 April 2006 - (Associated Mess): A feeling of utter shmuck and incomprehension prevails in the corridors of power in Whitehall and Capitol Hill today as the world comes to terms with the sudden and totally mysterious, unexpected suicide of Bush/Blair co-alition lifestyle guru Denis 'The Menace' Donaldson.
Donaldson's body was found in a remote farmhouse on the outskirts of the tiny Irish village of Shergar, County Louse, early on Tuesday morning.
Donaldson, 69, had acted as Tony Blair's personal Envoy to the Holy Sea until recently, when a wicked campaign of press disinformation branded him an IRA supergrass and KGB double-agent employed by MI6 for the last 40 years - an irrascible move that destroyed his confidence and ruined his credit rating on both sides of the Atlantic Bar and Grill.
Less flattering reports had suggested that the former Sinn Fein member was in reality a highly-paid director/shareholder of the Global Peace Process Development Fund - aka the Riggs Bank. "Enough said", commented his barman at the Rotter's Return village pub where he had been a regular.
As a mortuary van drew away from the scene of the tragedy, the Northern Ireland Police Service - the NIPS - noted clear signs of suicide, including incontrovertible evidence such as a self-inflicted severing of the victim's right hand, plus half a dozen gun shot wounds to the chest, head and wallet.
"He must have been rather depressed", said a spokesperson for the Irish Coroner's Department later in the day.
The news was greeted with shock and dismay by all who had known him and prompted a series of high-profile politicial summits between UK Premier Tony Blair, his Irish counterpart Bertie Ahern and lawyers representing the recently jailed Washington lobbyist and Neo-Con fundraiser, Jack Abramoff.
A week-long period of official mourning is expected to be announced later this week as arrangements are made for Donaldson's lying in state at the Blarney Stone Castle in nearby County Fermanagh.
No details are available as yet regarding the State Funeral arrangements, although security is expected to be extremely tight given the whordes (sic) of world leaders and Global Peace Process luminaries who are expected at the service.
Some reports from the United States have suggested that Donaldson had been in line for a Bush-nominated Congressional Medal of Honor, just before his untimely demise. This may now be awarded posthumously.
Meanwhile, friends, relatives and creditors have rallied together to set up a fund in his honor believed to be a memorial fountain to be built along the lines of the Diana, Princess o Wales water feature in central London's Hype Park.
Designers Gusfatson-Porter Goss are expected to issue a statement on their website later this week.