Worshippers at Dorking Unitarian Baptist Seventh Day Mormons church on West Street were astounded last week to discover toast on the face of Jesus in their church.
"We went in for our two o'clock tea and biscuits," said Edgar Whistleblower, also of Dorking, "and there it was, clear as the toast upon his nose, toast on Jesus's face. It was like a minor miracle."
The statue of Jesus has hung in the SUBSDM church for as long as anybody can remember, and is too high up to have been put there by a miscreant as the door into the chapel is too small to fit a step ladder through. Using a wobbly pyramid of chairs, the tea and biscuit group managed to get up to the face of Jesus and removed the toast.
"Remarkably," said Whistleblower, "the toast was still warm, yet the butter hadn't melted. Further proof that this is a miracle."
Pilgrims from as far away as Potters Bar have been coming to the church on West Street to see the Jesus that had toast on its face, and local entrepreneur Kevin Queue-Tea, is cashing in.
"I had all these ornaments of some bearded bloke in a dress," he said. "I know now that they're Jesus. So I've cut up some toast and glued it to their faces. They're selling like hot cross buns at a school fair. That's a bloody miracle, I'll tell you. I thought I were never going to shift those ornaments."
Reports have been coming in from the rest of the country suggesting that this was just the first incident. Michael Barrymore, who has applied to be the next Arch-Bishop of Canterbury has looked into these.
"We've seen a Marmite lid on the face of Jesus in Nottingham," he said, "a Wotsit on the nose of Jesus in Westmorland and even an Ikea door on the face of Jesus in Warrington. Astounding. This is truly a sign I should be the next Arch Bishop."