Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Sunday, 15 April 2012

image for Dorking Base Jumper Killed In Tragic Accident
"Look out below!"

One of the world's lesser known base jumpers was killed today, whilst attempting a base jump which went tragically wrong.

The Dorking base jumper, Albert Plummet, was attempting another daring base jump from Leith Hill Tower, just a stone's throw from the sleepy Surrey town of Dorking. In near perfect conditions, he ascended the stone steps to the top of the tower, checked his parachute, noted the wind speed, climbed up onto the parapet and readied himself for the jump. On the signal of his trusty assistant on the ground, Herman Schplatt, Mr Plummet launched himself from the top of the tower, hitting the ground head first, before he had even had a chance to deploy his parachute. Unfortunately, Mr Plummet's leather safety helmet afforded him no protection whatsoever.

As Mr Plummet's remains were being scraped off the ground by a local ambulance crew, Mr Schplatt told us, "Whilst Leith Hill is, at 965 feet, the second highest point in the South East of England, I don't think Albert had taken into consideration the fact that the tower is only 64 feet high".

This tragedy brings to an end a shortlived base jumping career. Mr Plummet's only previous jumps included jumping from the tops of Dorking Town Hall and the local Waitrose store. Both jumps led to long periods of hospitalisation, one of which was under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act.

A spokesman for the Dorking Asscociation of Base Jumpers was unable to stop laughing for long enough to provide us with a comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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