Clarence House, London; Wednesday 5 April 2006 -(Associated Mess): Charles' and Camilla's official website - Pretenders 'R' Us Dot Con - has today posted preview details of the couple's forthcoming first wedding anniversary celebrations which the happy pair will be enjoying this weekend. And top of the list is the long-awaited news that the Duke of Edinburgh is to be collected by a skip from Windsor Castle by the NHS Geriatric Directorate and installed in a New Labour one-stop-shop retirement facility run by Slough Crematorium.
The news has brought a gleam of pleasure to Camilla's pallid brow as she recovers at Highgrove House after a gruelling two week tour of Middle Eastern offshore money laundering facilities set up for the couple by convicted Washington Neo-Con lobbyist Jack Abramoff. "She could not have asked for a nicer wedding anniversary present", commented one House of Mountbatten flunkey employed by Charles, who personally organised the move as a tribute to the Duke's life-long service to the UK chapter of the Hellfire Club.
Some questions remain about the funding of Prince Philip's social care in his new abode. Secretary of State for Health Patricia Hewitt is expected to answer detailed Parliamentary questions next week about the exact nature of the means-testing that the Duke must undergo to pay for his retirement care entitlement. Reports that he will have to sell personal items - including his gold-plated Skull and Bones ceremonial insignia as well as his P2 Lodge masonic platinum rosary - in order to part-finance the programme are yet to be confirmed.
Decorators are currently putting the finishing touches at the Duke's new abode, believed to include electronic tagging facilities, a Sat Nav-adapted Zimmer frame and standard Metropolitan Police-issue metal detectors through which all residents must pass daily to ensure a knife and gun-free envionment in communal areas of the facility.
Random stop-and-search procedures are part of the extras offered by the retirement home in exchange for guaranteed nursing extras such as intravenous Valium and colonic irrigation. The Duke, 84, will also enjoy the benefit of daily guide-dog-led exercise regimes on adjacent land belonging to the Army's rifle-firing range.
Reports that Philip will be joined shortly by Baroness Thatcher and General Augusto Pinochet in the home's Global Peace Process Maximum Security Memorial Wing are still unconfirmed but a well-placed source within the corridors of power at Whitehall has hinted that a "permanent solution is imminent".