London, 4 April 2006 - (Associated Mess): The Prime Minister's official spokesperson has issued a categorical "No Comment" on UK press reports this weekend that the Blairs regularly worship at their official residence according to ancient ancestral religious customs. An insider interview in the London-based Sunday Fascist newspaper confirmed that Tony and Cherie "returned to their spiritual roots" some time after the 1997 General Election and installed a personal Confessor, Fr Michael Seedy, to oversee Divine Service at No 10 and at their weekend retreat at Chequers.
The paper's sister-publication The Fascist on Sunday has commented enthusiastically that the Blairs' new spiritual guru and official Father Confessor is a black-belt Opus Dei Grand Master seconded on a sabbatical break from The Pentagon, where he was employed as a Rumsfeld-approved Inquisitor-General from the Reverend Jerry Falwell Chapter of the Church of Latter-Day Morons.
The news follows months of feverish speculation that No 10 had applied for and been granted an official license from the Department of Vultures, Mediocrity and Sport to conduct exorcisms, initiations and sacrificial rites ahead of the all-important local elections in May. Last weekend's Rite of Spring ceremony was allegedly conducted according to traditional Opus Dei rejuvenation rituals and involved sacrifical worship aimed at appeasement of the UK's Anti-Terrorism/Special Branch police unit as well as investigators from the newly launched Serious and Organised Crimes Agency.
Fr Seedy is well known in ecclesiastical circles for his Berlusconi-esque approach to the delicate subject of post-Thatcher era money laundering in the Vatican. His CV is still classified by the CIA and MI5 pending ongoing investigations into the 1982 London Bridge "suicide" of 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi as are details of Colombian bank accounts set up for his sole benefit by convicted Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff.
Last week the North Korean ambassador to the Holy See was unable to clarify the exact nature of his relationship with Fr Seedy, nor comment on on speculation that his initial seminary days had been spent at Phnom Penh where he had been instructed in the arcane arts of the Ancient Order of the Skull and Bones by the honorary bonesman who originally recruited him way back in 1980: Carlos the Jackal.
However, a retired tattooist currently serving three life terms at London's top security Belmarsh Jail is believed to be the source of an unconfirmed report that alleges Fr Seedy recently took the unprecedented steps of having his Riggs Bank account numbers permanently inscribed in light-sensitive indellible ink on an intimate part of his anatomy that, theoretically, rarely sees the shining rays of the sun.
Former US Secretary of State General Colon Bowel is 69.