London, Saturday 1 April 2006 - (ReUterus & Associated Mess): The annual UK gathering of Bards, Soothsayers and Interpreters of the Splayed Organic Intestines at the Hellfire Club's Gloucestershire HQ at Highgrove House has rocked its audience with the spine-chilling prediction that their days of swine and roses are all but over.
The warning presages that this week's Aries solar eclipse brings a cataclysmic event for offshore account holders of the Riggs Bank, relatives of Global Peace Process luminary General Augusto Pinochet and wannabe pretenders to the throne on the United Kingdom.
The omens are solidly backed up by soothsayers' stark interpretations of a new calamity that has struck the £50 million sister-fountain of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial in central London's Hype Park, which has stubborny refused to ejaculate its sparkling watery spume high above the new Swiss Cottage leisure centre in North London.
Despite a top-flight consultancy team from the NASA research laboratory in Crawford, Texas and an array of British scientists from the National Toxicology Unit, the sister-fountain is clearly showing signs of premature emasculation - just like its older prototype in Hype Park.
Designers Gustafson-Porter Goss were unavailable for comment this week amid widespread reports that test flights had shown the "wrong type of wind" was preventing a successful launch of the watery cascade. An engineering team from the Colon Bowel colonic irrigation directorate is conducting emission tests as a matter of urgency.
The news was greeted with dismay at Highgrove House, where Charles and Camilla were resting after their recent tour of House of Mountbatten Middle Eastern slush funds and bakhsheesh trusts - run on their behalf by beleagured arms giant British Aerospace.
A senior sycophant in the Highgrove House staff commented that unless all the pre-requisite water features were functioning at full throttle, the portents for Phase 2 of the Pretender's world-wide charm crusade were bleak: "We are relying on ancient Rastafarian prophesy texts that state that a New Lion of Judah will rise from the ashes of the funeral pyres of Slough Crematorium to herald a Golden Age of money-laundering, successful bribery of politicians media and the judiciary, manipulation of historical records and continuing infiltration of public life by descendants of Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Pope Pius XII.
"Accordingly, HRH has sent a personal emissary to Phnom Penh requesting immediate assistance with certain organic compounds that remain unavailable in the UK following the latest successful round of arrests and seizures by the National Narcotics Squad, and remains confident that all will be revealed to his satisfaction during the forthcoming Holy Week."