Windsor - "Apparently it was looking for peanuts," Sir Pomfret Wetlocks, chief arsewiper to the Prince of Wales, tweeted this morning, "secreted in Camilla's favorite hideyhole."
The furry little critter was then seen scurrying between the pews before climbing up the pulpit and biting the Archbishop of Canterbury's testicle.
Vets later treated it for suspected food poisoning.
Weeks later the 'touching' royal Easter story can at last be told after MI5 declassified a cover-up ordered by the Queen.
Accompanying photographs snapped by the Verger were destroyed, however, on account of Camilla 'not really wearing any knickers' to church, as per usual.
News of the filthy debacle has angered PETA, the agitprop charity dedicated to outing cruelty to dumb animals.
"The poor darling could have caught royal toxoplasmosis," an animal frights source commented, "a disease affecting all House of Windsor parasites."
Prince Philip is foaming at the mouth.