Written by Will Franklin
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Saturday, 7 April 2012

image for Hosepipe ban causes middle class riots
Middle class protests are spreading fast

A hosepipe ban imposed on the South of England has led to widespread riots of a middle class nature.

Towns and villages in England have enjoyed looting and arson at the hands of cardigan-wearing crowds, one Guardian columnist said "we haven't been this outraged since they tried to put a wind turbine near Reggie's allotment".

The Daily Mail has headlined with the amount of gallons that are leaked per day by water companies, in an unusual act of sensationalism the Mail has reported that the hosepipe ban was comparable to the sort of thing that happened in Stalin's Russia.

Demonstrations have occurred all day Saturday and the afternoon of Sunday. Crowds have been heard chanting 'My ruddy petunias are wilting', 'we are the 60%', and 'Stop HS2'. It is suggested that this trend will continue until Have I Got News For You returns to our screens in April.

Marches have also been taking place in still moist areas. Across Southern England, school students and parents have been holding candlelit vigils in solidarity with those already in a drought.

Fires have spread rapidly through southern England. In a cruel twist of fate, hosepipes would actually be quite useful against the wall of flame that has already turned Cornwall into the set of The Road. Some regions have become entirely anarchic. Hugo, a cannibal from Hove, explained, "This is how we live now. No water means no watercress sandwiches. This is the end."

Spoof correspondent Barry was sent into Middle England but has evaporated without a trace.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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