Written by IainB
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Saturday, 7 April 2012

image for Chocolate harvest failed, women advised to stock-up
Paige Turner now needs to restock her fridge with another years supply of chocolate

Women are being urged to stockpile chocolate with the news that the 2012 cocoa bean crop is the lowest on record.

"Basically," said psychologist, Paige Turner, "if you're a woman and you're menopausal, breaking up with your boyfriend, having a bad hair day, or both, start stocking up on chocolate."

The price of chocolate sky-rocketed last week as supplies started to dry up, and many smaller shops have run out of all chocolate except Yorkies, which doesn't count as chocolate.

The main cause of the chocolate harvest failure is unknown, but probably doesn't have a single main cause, but several minor causes. The minors causing the cocoa harvest failure have yet to be identified.

"It has been a particular dry winter," said cocoa grower, Jamos Della Havana Hasta la Costa del Caffe, from Basildon. "Ordinarily we would get thirty inches of rainfall, but this winter we got twenty-nine and a half inches of rainfall."

Additionally, snow fell in June last year, which is always a harbinger of doom, even though the snow fell in Lhasa and they've not grown chocolate for at least ten years, maybe more. Some experts have suspected a possible infestation of the cocoa bean parasite, Womanus Scornedus, but as none of this particularly voracious boring insect have been seen in the region of any cocoa bushes, this is unlikely.

"It's unlikely to be Womanus Scornedus," said del Caffe. "Since we installed the ice-cream vans, they've not been a problem. This is an organic method of pest control that has worked better than employing a 'yourefat' shouter at the side of the fields."

Whatever the causes of the harvest failure, the results will start to be felt over the coming months as supplies of chocolate start to dry up in sweet shops, supermarkets, petrol forecourts and the little tin you think your husband doesn't know about under the bed.

"Chocolate can last six months if kept in the fridge," said Turner. "Although I've never been able to verify this, as it only ever lasts a few minutes in my fridge. I advise buying as much as possible and storing it in the fridge. This will require will power normally associated with marathon runners and people on hunger strikes, but the thought of no chocolate until May 2013 should allow women to eke out their stash until the next harvest comes in."

If a future harvest fails, Turner believes the fallout could spell the end of the world.

"No more chocolate does not bare thinking about," she said with a shudder.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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