A white terrorist has been disabled by the police near the Thames meaning he may never be able to swim again without supervision.
Trenton Oldfield was spotted bobbing in the water near Hammersmith Bridge armed with diet coke and mento torpedo and a soggy copy of the bible.
"This is class war in action" he said. "Just 5 more minutes and they would have been rowing with the fishes."
The drifting anarchist was spotted by sharp eyed Beverley Turner, parter of Matthew Pinsent - who were distracted long enough to identify the threat which was quickly neutralised by Metropolitan Seals. His legs were only broken by police after he left the water.
In addition to police charges, Oldfield is likely to face some form of ancient centure from Oxford who lost. George Osbourne commented - "He'll get the Burning rag of Ely or the 'oily chin insertion' which is very painful."