Written by queen mudder

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Friday, 6 April 2012

image for Confusion at 'NI cops sent sexagerian texts' headline
Allo darlin fancy a quickie behind the Leveson Inquiry potting shed?

Sussex - A sixty-something lady from Bognor has complained about misleading headlines blaming policemen, suspected of receiving News International bungs, for sending her inappropriate S&M texts.

Retired soprano Mrs Aida Bumburst said today the officers should be suspended 'from their fingernails' for the lewd messages 'and the Met Commissioner given a rollicking.'

Her outburst comes amid reports some UK cops have been caught sending all sort of horrid texts in a bid to discover if their phones were being bugged by an Official Inquiry into media phone hacking.

"F***ing c***s," Mrs B raged this afternoon, "fancy asking me what size adult restraints I use.

"Besides if they really wanted to know all they'd have to do is hack the former Commissioner's laptop where such State Secrets are kept."

The security reference may be a cunning ploy to reveal the lady's MBE awarded for services to the mezzo-soprano industry's cleavage-promotions and other diva-related stuff.

Apparently Mrs Bumburst once sang in a Nessun Dorma duet with Luciano Pavarotti before going fifteen rounds with the tenor on a robust dralon-covered chaise longue at a Royal Albert Hole hospitality suite.

Today's red top headlines 'made her see red' and have provoked a furious row at New Scotland Yard.

Katherine Jenkins is still 69.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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