Written by Inchcock
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Friday, 6 April 2012

image for Hosepipe banned in Kew Gardens!
Certain plants have now been removed from Kew Gardens

So much for the hosepipe ban: The sprinklers that keep the grass lush outside Parliament are still pumping out water!

* But the rest of us, the proletariat, the voters, the riff-raff and Spoofers, will face £1,000 fines for washing the patio?

* Neighbours have been urged to 'spy' and report hosepipe users!

* Offenders face £1,000 fine after a single 'yellow card' warning!

Banned activities include washing the car, watering plants, cleaning windows and hosing down children on a hot day!

The ban will eventually affect Kew Gardens later. Perhaps this is because they are The Royal Botanic Gardens?

But the rest of us, the proletariat, the voters, the riff-raff and Spoofers, will face £1,000 fines for washing the patio?

Neighbours have been urged to 'spy' and report hosepipe users!

Offenders face £1,000 fine after a single 'yellow card' warning!

Our reporter Bartholomew Uttersthwaite reports:

With the ban being in place all Summer, and hundreds of thousands of visitors coming to London to see the riots and Olympics, many will be expected to visit Kew Gardens.

Where the taps and water fountains will be turned off. Although not in the Princess of Wales Conservatory, opened in 1897 by Princess Diana.

To further save water, the Gents and Ladies public toilets will be open for only limited periods,and then open only to those who have bottled water to use after use.

Luckily Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, the Mayor of London has arranged for the sale of bottled water to me available in the many retail outlets throughout the Gardens:

Harrod's Chateldon @ £4.95 a litre, Hague's Highland Spring water from Dogs Island @ £3.99 a half litre, and Bling h2o @ £25.25 per 750 ml bottle.

Elvis Eaves, (16) convicted rioter and part-time apprentice trainee groundsman at Kew Gardens said: "Lookin' on the bright side, this will muck up the police's threat to use water cannons this year... he he he!"

A local daily visitor to the gardens for the past eight years, Juan (42), an unemployed botanist said: "I'll just have to water my favourite plants myself, that I've cultured myself. My Hawaiian Baby Woodrose vine, otherwise known as Elephant Creeper, has seeds with hallucinogenic properties. And me Woodworm plant too, cause I can mix that with me cannabis you see, it gives me a higher buzz!"

Eileen Dover (35) a well lipsticked lipped lady, (available she tells me, 3rd tree on the left behind the Victoria Gate cafe, Monday to Friday 9.30am to 3.00pm services starting from £40, and she supplies her own hosepipe) said: "Hello ducky, are you interested?"

The mobile phone signal with Bartholomew was lost at this point.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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