Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a dashingly handsome 27 year old mountaineer, survivalist, and part time factory worker with a vivid imagination, today refused to write a satirical article of any description about Samantha Brick.
"I'm not doing it. End of," Shuttlecock told Skoob News.
Samantha Brick has been mercilessly pilloried on the internet for announcing that she's just so beautiful that all women hate her, and are insanely jealous of her charms. And that the men can't get enough of her. In the Daily Mail. No less.
"Not me," said Shuttlecock. "Apparently this woman makes blokes wives feel insecure when she's around them. Because of her alluring womanly wiles or something. She obviously hasn't met my wife, Anne, who would scare her so badly she'd have little alternative other than to go and hide in a wheelie bin for a month or so. Until the heat died down. She can't do with competition, the wife. She tends to get violent. And that."
Long suffering wife, Anne, informed Skoob News that she wasn't even remotely perturbed about a possible threat aimed at her husband's affections from the likes of Samantha Brick.
"I suppose you want me to say something nasty about Samantha Brick," Anne told reporters. "But to be honest, I can't be arsed. He knows which side his bread's buttered on, even though he is a useless bastard. But he's my useless bastard. I won't be awful or controversial here, but I really do think that he wouldn't be remotely interested in this woman. Whoever she may be."
"By jingo, the good lady wife's got it spot on about Samantha Brick," Shuttlecock told Skoob News. "It's our fifth wedding anniversary next month, so I only have eyes for her indoors. I proposed to her on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence you know. Why the heck would I be remotely interested in some self promoting sort? I shan't be saying anything bad about the Brick woman. (Is she really a bricky?) Unless she posts comments on YouTube about my superbly intuitive lessons in method acting. In which case, I shall redirect her to Danton's garage in London Fields, under the arches off Cambridge Heath Road. I expect he'll give her an honest estimate. And a dodgy MOT."
"It's taken a while," Anne Shuttlecock announced. "But I do believe I've finally got the silly sod trained."
Samantha Brick was too busy responding to horrible tweets and Arsebook postings to comment. The last we heard, she was attempting to post on Shuttlecock's Arsebook wall that she was grateful that he hadn't ripped the piss out of her.
"Why would I do that?" Shuttlecock protested. "When there are people like Mancini and Dalglish ripe for plucking? Not that I'd ever do that..."
More as we get it.