In breaking news which broke when nobody had hitherto been aware there was a problem, the Metropolitan Police today issued a statement acknowledging that there is a mutant psycho vampire cannibal serial killer prowling the London Underground network, and that they are determined to apprehend the fiend before all the tourists start flocking into town for the 2012 Olympic Games.
Officials have stated that as if having David 'Do Nothing Dave' Cameron as Prime Sinister, and Boris 'Doctor Boz' Johnson as London Mayor isn't bad enough, the city is being plagued by a fiend, believed to live in the Underground network, and who experts confidently state is a serial killing vampire psycho mutant cannibal.
"It just isn't on," said one. "We're looking for the Met to nick the bugger before the festivities start up in earnest."
Although most Londoners aren't aware of it, the serial thingumabob fruitloop type has been preying on unwitting tube travellers for about three or four months. Usually late at night on deserted platforms.
"Or maybe even decades. We really don't know," one Underground Director of Operations admitted. "I just hope they can get it sorted out."
Warning bells were first sounded when three human femurs were found on a northbound train at Embankment tube station, with witnesses stating that they had spotted an emaciated, and apparently female figure, dressed in a ragged blue two piece suit, toting a handbag, and laughing maniacally, legging it over to the southbound platform.
Within an hour, human remains were discovered in a plastic carrier bag at Stockwell tube station. Forensic analysis revealed that the remains had been: "Nibbled by some yellow teeth."
From there the trail went cold, apart from seven human kneecaps which were discovered in a litter bin at Bethnal Green station. According to Transport For London, the third discovery is said to be unrelated, and: "Not really unusual for Bethnal Green."
The Met have apparently responded to the homicidal crime spree by downloading an app for their iPhones, entitled "Want To Catch A Mutant Psycho Vampire Cannibal Serial Killer Operating On The London Underground? - This Is The World's Top App For That. Seriously."
Although they refused to reveal their sources.
Subsequent investigations by Skoob News revealed the source to be Iain B of Stalybridge, oop that there North. He declined to comment, on the grounds that he was getting ready to go and watch Stalybridge Celtic play a match.
"We won last time out," was all he was prepared to say on the matter. "One nil's one nil innit? At the end of the day and all that. To be honest, I'm not all that interested in London's mutant psycho vampire cannibal serial killer problem. Or the Olympics for that matter. Just running about aimlessly when there's no ball involved seems like a total waste of time to me. Even if it is patently obvious that your killer is former Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, making a last ditch effort to make an impact on the 30th anniversary of the Falklands conflict, and trying to steal her last bit of thunder because everybody remembers her more or less for the poll tax riots. And that can't be good."
DCI Henry Eulogist of the Met, told reporters:
"I should have seen this all along. Two piece blue suit? Eatin' people alive an that? Big handbag? Cor blimey! Strike a light Dick Van Dyke, cue Mary blitherin' Poppins, Tommy soddin' Steele, Little White Bull, Ow's yer father, who's yer father, apples and pears, whistle and flute, dog and bone, pie n mash, ICF, Brixton riots, Bethnal Green, Stockwell, cor blimey wot a bleedin' palaver...It's that bastard Scargill wot's provoked our Mags into this innit! E always wanted to destroy our bleedin great nation! Filthy fackin Norvern SCUM! Well - we weren't 'avin none of it then, and we're not 'avin' it now! I'm not standin' fer me darlin' Mags bein' outed as a blinkin' mutant psycho vampire cannibal serial killer! I'm gonna support the Olympic Games 2012 and sign up wiv Nicky boy and the BNP. Fackin' socialists - I've shit 'em. Next fing yer know they'll be describin' the Princess of Arts, the Blessed Princess Diana as naffink more than a bleedin' adulterous clothes horse. Wiv a dodgy butler and questionable military connections. I'll get to the bottom of this if it kills me. Although in all probability, I won't tell you about it. Some fings is best left be."
Reaction to these amazing revelations has been somewhat muted.
Especially in The Tabard up Turnham Green in Chiswick.
Where a patriotic Royal Navy and Portsmouth FC buff turned to his friend as he accessed the breaking news, and said to the exiled Bolivian Colonel:
"I knew we should never have trusted that bastard."
Meanwhile, the slaughter continues.
More as we get it.