London, Wednesday 29 March 2004 - [Pravda]: Officers investigating the UK loans for peerages fiasco that has embroiled the Labour Party are now probing reports that the Conservative Party has been its main lending source for the last forty years.
The allegations centre around newly discovered documents that suggest Margaret Thatcher first hired Blur for an estimated thirty pieces of silver, thus making it possible for him to purchase the official House of Mountbatten franchise position of Head of IRA Army Council, immediately following the 1980 US presidential election which saw Ronny Raygun swept into power.
Further allegations state that over fifty per cent of the Tories dirty tricks department special operations was then outsourced to PoodleCo, on the one main proviso that he marry perennial toothy spinster Cherry Bush QC and start a new hybrid dynasty to replace elements of the much lamented and woefully depleted Oswald Moseley family.
Sources at New Scotland Yard are now probing a series of offshore transactions into the Blur family bank accounts which show that the notorious US-based Skull and Bones savings club - The Riggs Bank - was the official vehicle for laundering cocaine profits made by the British Hellfire Club.
All was going well until a dissident movement in the Vatican objected to the swingeing consultancy fees that Mrs Thatcher was charging for her flawless stewardship of the Common Market, and decided to replace a few pesky middle-men who were impeding the smooth flow of funds into the Blur coffers.
The London Bridge suicide of 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi has been a mystery ever since.
No 10 Downing Street remained tight-fisted this morning as reporters jostled in the queue for a statement.
However, the Metropolitan Police's Commissioner Sir Ian Blair WAS seen beaming broadly and skipping jauntily among the newly-blooming daffodils and crocuses in Central London's St James's Park this morning. Some reports state that Sir Ian was even whistling a few bars of the catchy Frank Sinatra ditty "I Love Paris in the Spring Time" as he basked on a park bench in the pale solar-eclipsed spring sunshine, a pocket calculator in one hand, a semi-automatic Glock pistol in the other and a head - set linked to tape recording equipment providing a few minutes of blissful easy-listening......