A Tory ex-Cabinet Minister has sensationally claimed that ill-health is likely to force David Cameron to hand in his resignation as Prime Minister within the next few days.
The claim was made by Ex-Austerity Minister Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly this morning during a Breakfast TV news interview when he claimed, "Sadly, the Prime Minister has lost his marbles!"
Explained Sir Partridge-Greenwelly, "It's basically memory loss, but it's getting worse by the hour. At first it was just forgetting minor things like the name of Nick Clegg, just referring to Mr Clegg as 'he' or 'him' or even 'it', but it's been getting worse."
"I first suspected something was wrong one day in Parliament just before Christmas," he said. "It was that day when William Hague dashed forward then knelt down in front of Cameron. I don't think anyone else there thought that was in any way unusual, but I'd noticed that William then retied one of the Prime Minister's shoelaces for him. It was after that of course when the Prime Minister stopped wearing lace-up shoes switching to wearing the slip-ons."
Asked by the interviewer whether the Prime Minister's apparent recent failure to remember where or when he'd last eaten a pasty could have simply been another indication of the amnesia, Sir Partridge-Greenwelly admitted it probably was further pointing out,
"There was also David's uncertainty as to the size of the pasty."
Wiping tears from his eyes he continued, "David firstly thought he remembered it as being a small pasty he'd eaten then suddenly a new memory entered his brain of it having been a large pasty. Such inconsistency could easily be taken wrongly by the public as showing their Prime Minister to be a liar.
"Simply forgetting whether it was a big or small pasty, or if we assume some kind of pasty was eaten then exactly where and when it took place is not of any major concern. Even a Prime Minister can be forgiven for forgetting the size of a pasty eaten or not eaten many months ago. But this is far worse. The concern is that the amnesia is now seriously affecting his short term memory as well.
"It has now been proven that just a few days ago our Prime Minister said that a bit of petrol panic would be no bad thing. He has since claimed to have no recollection of making that remark. In fact Dave's now denying that he made it."
"So our Prime Minister is a lying toe-rag!" exclaimed the interviewer.
"No, no, no," replied ex-government Minister Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly. "To be a liar the lie has to be deliberate. The Prime Minister is therefore not a liar. He has no memory of having spoken those words. He genuinely believes he never said them. In denying that he made the remark he is convinced he is telling the truth. Memory loss of this nature is a terrible illness. Fortunately the country will be in the safe hands of Nick Clegg while we're sorting out a suitable replacement."