Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Saturday, 31 March 2012

image for Gravity, Time, Celestial Mechanics... All Bastards Says Local Woman
Bastards!

A local woman has lashed out at the workings of the universe following the realisation that her birthday fell on a Sunday.

She claims that if the universe had been better arranged, she would not face going to work on Monday with a hangover.

Mrs Katherine of Aragon, aged 53, who says she is no relation to the celebrated first wife of English monarch Henry VIII, whose divorce brought about the break with the Roman Church and the Reformation in England,* told us: "Look, if it wasn't for the imprecise way the universe was put together we wouldn't have to have leap days and leap years.

"The fact that this year is a bloody leap year means my birthday, which would have been on a Saturday, will now be on Sunday.

"Oh thank you, celestial mechanics! It's not enough that you determined that I should emerge from the womb on the day traditionally associated with fools, but then you make it a Sunday!

"Who knows when I'll see a Saturday birthday again. Bastards! And that's swearing!"

A leading scientist from Hounslow University told us in Chiswick's famous Tabard Inn**: "Leap years... right. Yeah. I usually deal with biology... whose round is it?"

*Lucid, Ken Why most of us aren't left-footers these days, in It's History, Stupid, No XXVII, June 2006.

*It's Friday night, you really think we're staying in the office hitting the 'phones? - ed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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