Written by IainB
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Friday, 30 March 2012

image for The Government planned the fuel crisis
Million of pumps stand empty while the government coffers swell

A leaked memo from 10 Downing Street has revealed that the panic buying at the pumps was planned by the ConDems to help raise two billion pounds to cover the deficit created by the reduction in tax rate.

David Cameron has denied that the memo is accurate, claiming it has been taken out of context.

"Yes it is true that we added three pence per litre of fuel just hours before telling people to fill jerry cans with fuel," said Cameron. "Yes it is also true that we told people to buy as much petrol as possible as there will be a tanker drivers strike in the near future. Yes it is also true that we have seen a three fold rise in the sale of fuel, so much so that we have raised one and a half billion in fuel duty in just three days. When it's laid out like that, it does sound remarkably like a conspiracy theory, doesn't it? However, this was all just coincidence."

Cameron denies that just days before the budget that they rang up the tanker drivers' union, UNITE and told them that there was no way that that would allow an increase in wages, improve conditions or improve the pension deals for tanker drivers.

"This is untrue, and there are no records of such a conversation," said Cameron, using a shredder.

Currently, the tanker drivers have no intention of going on strike, although the government message remains that people should panic buy as much petrol as they can carry. This has already caused one massive explosion in Burnley, where one man had stockpiled five hundred litres in buckets in his garage that unfortunately exploded when he turned the lights on.

"It was a shame," said Cameron. "However, nobody was hurt and their insurance should cover it. They can use the insurance money to buy more fuel."

Cameron has one final message for the people of Britain: "Buy more fuel! Buy, buy, buy. It's running out, don't you know?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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