Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 29 March 2012

image for Tepid Cornish pasties blamed for narcolepsy pandemic
Sudden hibernation attacks blamed on eating cold pies

London - The government has been forced to eat cold humble pie after experts traced a paralytic extreme drowsiness pandemic to soaring numbers of people eating the lukewarm snacks.

Last week's budget slapped a hefty 20% VAT hike on the nation's favorite (Speke for yourslef, qm - 'Ed' zzzzzzzzz) hot pie, traditionally eaten piping hot.

This morning Department of Health sauces said they'd previously blamed Swine flu shots for the comatose condition until a top DEFRA nutritionist fell into a sudden stupor at his desk on Friday.

Colleagues said at first they suspected a half-eaten Dreggs-the-Bakers Cornish pasty found in Professor Einstein Flintstone's in-tray had been tampered with.

"But who'd want to shoot up some H1N1 vaccine into the Old Boy's dins just to prove causality in this daft scam?" a food standards expert commented today.

The sudden dropping-off syndrome is characterised by periods of extreme sleepiness, sudden unwarranted naps and paralysis attacks.

A hush-hush study in 1954 at the UK's Porton Down Defence Science and Technology Laboratory famously found that mice went into involuntary hibernation when fed cold slices of the nation's best-loved pie.

Last year Cornish pasties were on the menu at Buckingham Palace at several state banquets and nobody dropped off during the Queen's Address.

Only the Duchess of Cornwall was found 'dead-to-the-world' under the banqueting table after toying with her starter for a good half hour.

"Yeah, so what else is new?" a Palace lackey tweeted this afternoon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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