London, 24 March 2006 - (ReUterus & Associated Mess) - An All-Party Committee of MPs has published the findings of its seminal report into the disaster-struck House of Mountbatten which states that the late Diana, Princess of Wales was ill-conceived and ill-executed.
The news follows criticism from lawnrakers at the Royal Parks Agency that the liquid memorial to her in London's Hype Park has become saturated with effluent from Buckingham Palace and the nearby seat of British Government in Whitehall. A recent chemical analysis of the allegedly healing memorial spa was found to contain a high concentration of cocaine, a new anti-psychotic medication called Perceptin and a genus of poison ivy endemic to North Korea.
Attempts by the CIA to obtain a commercial patent for this toxic chemical cocktail and then market it as a universal medical panacea for newly-emerging Middle East democracies have so far proved controversial. A slurry of lawsuits is expected to challenge the ownership rights to this healing balm after lawyers acting for Diana's family demanded an immediate injunction preventing any siphoning off of the Memorial Fountain's waters pending an action at the Royal Courts of Justice that will decide a verdict for her eventual autopsy.
The House of Commons report comes as a shock to Princess Diana conspiracy-theorists worldwide who have devoted myriad professional careers into debunking allegations that dodgy Knightsbridge wannabe pharaoh Mohammed Fired bumped her off after insuring her life for a billion dollars, following a spate of disastrous lawsuits against the Inland Revenue which had left him insolvent.
A spokesman at Buckingham Palace warned this morning that any further speculation into the demise of the late Princess could only further damage her already tarnished reputation as the House of Mountbatten's No 1 old slapper. "We are working hard at the moment to find a sucessor to this extraordinary woman, who can emulate and even exceed the public's expectations of Diana's remarkable lifetime achievements. A new film about Her Former Royal Highness's prowess as the Queen of Hearts is currently at the drawing board stage awaiting Lottery funding from the Department of Vultures, Mediocrity and Sport".