Written by IainB
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Sunday, 25 March 2012

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Hans has his breakfast schnapps.

Germany is threatening to take the Number Binge Drinkers spot from Britain. Latest survey results show that Germany now has more alcoholics per population than Britain.

"This is down to two factors," said Hans Shakin, German Alcohol Minister. "Firstly, new measures to stop binge drinking in Britain is working. Secondly, we Germans like to be better than the British at anything."

Britain's title as binge drinking capital of the Europe has been under threat several times before, but they have weathered the storm each time to emerge as number one. Sweden, Spain and Poland have all failed to live up to the hype, and match Britain drink for drink.

"Germany are mounting a strong challenge," said Sebastian Coe, who will be leading Britain's attempt to regain the title. "Although we are now in the top ten of expensive booze thanks to the latest government initiative of minimum price per unit, the Great British People can rise above this. We can stand united. Or at least sway united and occasionally fall over. We are a proud nation of lager louts. We know what's important."

Coe believes that Britain is proud of its drinking culture and that a mere raise in the cost of alcohol will be overcome to retain the title of the countries biggest binge drinkers.

"If we lose the crown as biggest binge drinkers," said Coe, "then our title as teenage pregnancy capital will also be under threat. There are not many things that put the Great in Britain, but our drinking and birthing rates are two of the last ones. We aim to keep them."

Coe is leading the way by suggesting that instead of Happy Hours, which have been banned under the new government rules, that people enjoy Happy Mondays, Chipper Tuesdays, Wonderful Wednesdays and Thrilling Thursdays.

"I don't think people need any encouragement for drinking on Fridays and Saturdays," said Coe. "And I think Sundays is a good day to let the liver a day off."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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