London - "Underneath she's bald as a Coutts bank manager, hehe," Kensington crimper to the stars Ray 'Mr Queasy-Squeezy' Bessone Jr said this weekend.
Apparently Kate's had weeks of Wayne Rooney-style surgery that transplanted a pesky mustache onto her shiny pate.
Some 'virtually' human heir extensions were then superglued to the bristly regrowth giving her a full head of 'entirely realistic' tresses.
The Z-listers' coiffeur had previously blamed Middleton's obsessive hair-flicking on a nervous tick she'd developed following allergic reactions to industrial strength heir dye at a rival crimpers used by Camilla.
Today Bessone Jr also revealed his salon regularly injects Kate with face filler from a secret Dodgy Originals recipe using gelatinous toad spawn from Highgrove's organic dew pond.
"Absolutely amazing stuff, this," Bessone Jr commented, "we're only allowed to harvest it under a Full Moon after the pond water's been declared fit and personally passed by the Prince of Wales."
That royal fountain of youth is naturally fed by recycled purified effluent from Charles' famous composting lavs.
Its effect on frog and toad spawn is 'entirely harmless' but does produce some gobsmackingly miraculous collagen-like gloop that sells for upwards of five hundred quid a pop at the Kensington salon.
"I'm trying to persuade her to have her 'other' cheeks done, hehe," Bessone Jr added impishly.
"Wanna see some exclusive before and after pix?"