Buckingham Palace, London - Monday 20 March 2006 - (Associated Mess): The UK is embroiled in a new loans fiasco today as news broke that the erection of the disastrous Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in London's Hype Park was financed entirely by some £50 millions'-worth of crack cocaine profits laundered by Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's offshore companies into British Hellfire Club bank accounts run by the Riggs Bank, Whitehall branch.
The revelation follows last week's disclosure that the Hellfire Club also loaned £14 million to the Blair family last year to buy the continuing public support and adulation of those notable stalwarts still capable of testifying at the Old Bailey against PoodleCo in the God's Banker murder trial: witnesses who might be persuaded to reconsider their testimonies in exchange for a seat next to Lord Levy in the House of Lords, a fatcat pension and the chance to become official British legislators in Parliament's hysteric Upper Chamber.
This morning's lurid announcement that Hellfire Club members solicited and obtained over £50 million from Berlusconi's Opus Dei Foundation in order to erect the tawdry memorial to the dodgy daughter of George Bush Senior and Harold Wilson's secretary Marcia Williams, Lady Falkender -shocked the nation and sparked a public outcry for an immediate and total cover-up, to be chaired by UK whitewash supremo Lord Hutton.
The move received widespread support in both House of Parliament where an early day motion was carried unanimously.
Such rapid damage limitation comes as a massive relief to Charles Windsor, current Pretender to the Mountbatten Throne, as he and Camilla embark on their Middle East tour of Abu Ghraib-style detention centres, CIA no-frills extraordinary rendition facilities and official Bush Administration healing shrines - whose sparkling desert waters attract annual pilgrimages from around the world amid rumours of their extraordinary ability to cure homosexuality, atheism and democracy.
The tour is being sponsored by a Riggs Bank subsidiary affiliated to the Aryan Brotherhood chapter of the Ancient American Order of the Skull and Bones (osteoporosis division).
Meanwhile in London, new cracks have appeared in the crack-financed Fountain, which up til now was widely believed to have been constructed of pre-fabricated granite slabs. However, recent analyses by the UK National Poisons Unit have suggested that an entirely different chemical composition may be responsbile - one that might shed light on the 2001 dissappearance of over 500 tonnes of confiscated Colombian powders from the official EU crack mountain.