Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

image for The Pennines are to be moved
Artist's impression of the Pennines after the move.

The Pennines, a range of hills that run down the back bone of England, are to be moved thirty miles east to make room for a high speed rail link between Leeds and London.

"High speed rail links need flat land," said engineer, Ray L Weigh. "The Pennines are many things: Beautiful, dramatic, a good way of keeping Yorkshire people out of Lancashire. What they are not is flat."

Not since the early days of steam has Britain considered such a mammoth engineering scheme. Thousands of workers are expected to be needed to move the Pennines thirty miles, halving the country's unemployment line at a stroke for the two hundred years it is expected to take.

Various towns and cities, such as Sheffield, Buxton and Barnowldswick are expected to put up some objection at having their altitude lowered, whilst towns like Gainsborough and Lincoln are expected to complain about being elevated. The government have set up a special department for dealing with these complaints, located in London.

"I was seriously considering complaining," said Mavis Braithwaite, one of the Braithwaites of Barnowldswick. "Until I heard I'd have to go to London. I'm not doing that. It takes too long to get there. Now, if there was a high speed rail link, I might consider it."

As the whole of the Pennines will be shifted, any concerns at the loss of habitat have been neatly sidestepped.

"I can think of no environmental concerns," said Green campaigner, Michelle Oile. "Which is a first for me. I can normally raise an objection about a new garden fence. And indeed, have."

Work is expected to commence on the earth moving project in summer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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