Written by Mohan Boone
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Monday, 19 March 2012

image for Al Qaeda attempt to claim responsibility for introducing invasive crayfish into British waters

Scratchy video footage released on jihadist internet forums last night appears to show an Al Qaeda spokesman attempting to claim responsibility for the devastating invasion of foreign crayfish on British waters.

The signal crayfish was thought to have been brought from North America by the Swedes back in the 60's in an attempt to combat a shortage of European crayfish after a period of disease. But the alien crayfish soon began to out-compete its native shellfish and is now found in abundance in waters all across Europe.

Ecologists have spent decades lamenting the Swedes for the decision, but Al Qaeda's claim last night suggests that the Scandinavian nation may not be to blame after all.

"It was us!" The spokesman can be heard saying. "We sent the crayfish to England! We're taking the fight to the oceans!"

Scare Tactics

What's the point? You might well ask. Why bother? Is Al Qaeda dying? Is this just a desperate last ditch attempt by a maddening band of erratics who seem to be hell-bent on winding us up? Or is it all part of the grander plan?

"The grander plan," says Mahmood Leel, one of the many radicalists that can be found airing his views on the forums. "It's about weakening Britain's resolve. These crayfish will strike fear into their nation. How can they expect to guard against bomb attacks or smallpox if they can't even defend their own prawns?"

Word on the forum suggests that the crayfish were selectively bred in Pakistan and then trained using Microsoft Ship Simulator to navigate their way to Dover.

The fact that they made it here unnoticed has infuriated Downing Street, and the British Government are demanding answers from Egypt in particular for letting the crayfish through a number of Suez Canal checkpoints without checking their documents.

"They can't be trusted with anything!" One Insider exclaimed. "What chance have they got of seeing through a revolution if they can't even look after a canal?!"

Overlooked

Meanwhile, native British shellfish are said to be furious with the British Government for "deserting" them in a time of real need.

"They don't even give a shit!" A clam told us. "They've left us for dead! These foreigners are all coming over here, moving into our reefs, taking our jobs and our wives, and we're supposed to just sit back and let it all happen? The traditions and values of true British shellfish are being completely disregarded in this circus! There are mosques going up everywhere!"

The Swedes are feeling smug.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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