Health Chiefs today advised that the real reason why so many Irish people, and people of Irish descent have bloodshot eyeballs is mainly because it's Saint Patrick's Day, and most will have been guzzling alcoholic beverages with unbridled gusto since the crack of dawn.
And will continue to do so until they pass out.
A typical Irish St Patrick's Day breakfast consists of four pints of draught Guinness, washed down with half a bottle of Jameson's, which is when the doleful singing usually begins.
Then it's off down the pub for several pints of green lager, interspersed with shots of scotch whisky, vodka, flaming sambucas and Tia Maria.
It's when afternoon fades into the early evening and the sun is starting to set in the distant west that the fighting usually starts.
As a rule it normally takes place in pub car parks, or supermarkets and often necessitates police involvement.
St Patrick's Day gourmet dinner consists of pints of lager and Guinness, brandy, Malibu, and a packet of crisps.
In fact, the only alcoholic beverage safe from the thirsty Irish St Patrick's Day hordes, is wine.
The Irish don't do wine.
They consider it to be a puff's drink. Fit only for Spaniards, Frenchmen, Italians, and other nations who can't fight worth a shit.
As night falls, the typical St Patrick's Day celebrant will have gone way beyond singing mournful dirges in a tuneless manner, all notions of Riverdancing have been obscured in the mists of time, coherent speech has been totally abandoned and drinking in order to survive becomes the order of the day.
Unconsciousness usually ensues, and occasionally coma.
The following day is spent huddled and shaking, hiding in a cardboard box and shouting loudly at the sky. It isn't pretty, but that's Saint Patricks Day when it's done properly.
The reason why the parades have no fixed route is that nobody is capable of walking in a straight line.
And that's on a good day.
The Irish Temperance League have pointed out that not all Irishmen are habitual drunkards, as the stereotypical image appears to suggest.
For starters...there's a fella in Portadown who isn't an habitual drunkard.
Although nobody seems to know who he is.
It's Saint Patrick's Day - that's why the eyes are bloodshot.
More as we get it.