London - Some spectral hexoplasm shaped like a sleepwalking Kate Middleton has slid out from the Queen's vagina sending terrified royal flunkies stark raving bonkers.
The apparition emanated in the monarch's bedchamber close to midnight after a traditional St Patrick's Day seance in the Palace's Rudolf Hess Memorial Wing.
Gibbering wreck witnesses described how a curiously Kate Middleton-ish Lady Macbeth 'was dragging a chain shackled to the ankles of the entire Cameron/Clegg coalition Cabinet' a psychotic Lord Luce-Cannon said today.
"The spectre just slimed its way from the Queen's snatch in a classic Hellfire Club Mother's Day portent," the jumped-up major-domo tweeted at lunchtime.
"How the hell were we supposed to know the daft little Middleton cow's an Italian granddaughter of God's Banker Bob Calvi, eh?"
News of the apparition sent shivers through the Prime Monster's official countryside residence of Chequers where David Cameron was hosting a classic bondage-themed sleepover weekend for Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne and his Treasury underthings - er...underlings! - ahead of Wednesday's annual Budget.
Careful Downing Street choreography had timetabled Osborne's big day to coincide with some magnificent astrological aspects around the Spring Equinox's Sun/Mercury/Moon/Uranus conjunctions
However the Eve-of-Mother's Day apparition seems to have seriously rattled the PM who, already up to his neck in murky Rebekah Brooks stuff, is regularly ratarsed before breakfast on jeroboams of Thatcher's Old Peculiar and creme de menthe chasers.
And his Coalition Plan A appears to be in ruins as treasury soothsayers start a frantic new search for favorable portents ahead of Wednesday's annual economic forecast....
Miriam González Durántez-Clegg is still 69.