The last of the Zimbabwean big game hunters, Clayton LeMoors, one time sausage vendor based in Portsmouth but living in Southampton was called in today by Hampshire Constabulary to deal with a rampaging bull elephant situation, in Above Bar, Southampton.
LeMoors, who was idling away the day dressed in a stupid hairnet in a crap contact lens factory near Southampton related how he was called upon to deal with the rampaging trumpeter.
"It seems they had a rampaging bull elephant on the loose in town, and they needed an expert to deal with it. So I picked up me pellet gun, hopped on me bike and sorted it," he said.
Upon arrival at the scene, LeMoors was met with a terrible spectacle.
The bull elephant was stomping all over a man named Nellie Parker, as two experienced Mahoots, named Suki and Safi attempted to corral the rampant beast.
Seemingly to no avail.
To make matters even more precarious, some bloke named Rod was trying to calm the beast down by strumming a guitar and singing Richard Ashcroft's 'The Drugs Don't Work' with some Polish bird doing a spot of impromptu go-go dancing.
"I told them to get out of the way," LeMoors recalled. "This situation called for a cool head and nerves of steel. I took aim with the pellet gun and shot the jumbo in the eye. The pellet went straight into its brain and killed it instantly. Sadly for Nellie Parker, the elephant shat all over the shop at the moment of death, smothering the poor bloke in stinking green elephant shit. The unlucky featherplucker was already in agony after the elephant had jammed a push bike up his arse. He's in hospital now, having it removed in an emergency operation. The stink of elephant shit was overwhelming."
At which point, Rod the guitar man started playing 'He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother' by the Hollies, before a man described as 'Sausage Boy' ordered him to stop messing about and get back to work, or he'd have him up on a disciplinary.
"It's been a strange day, right enough," commented Detective Inspector Kane Coolman. "And quite frankly, I've had enough of it already. I'm off for some proper chip shop chips soaked in proper gravy."
At which point some wizened old hag approached our reporter demanding that he sign a piece of paper admitting to all sorts of old pony and trap, but he told her in no uncertain terms to "Fuck Off!"
More elephant related bollocks as we get it.