Written by Mohan Boone
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Wednesday, 14 March 2012

image for Beached Sea Bream Stuns Marine Biologists By Holding Its Breath For 12 Hours

A North Sea sea bream left residents of Fallshore flabbergasted yesterday as it beached itself and then held its breath for 12 whole hours while it waited for the tide to come back in.

The sea bream, whose name is Jerry, stubbornly refused to accept any help from a gathering of anxious onlookers, and even went so far as to spit in an ecologists face.

"I was only trying to help," said Desmond Skool of the Fallshore Ecological Society. "I saw he was still alive so I went over and picked him up to carry him back to the sea. He told me I was interfering and then spat in my face, so I went back up the beach and sent my wife down to talk to him. She's a psychiatrist."

"It was clear to me that the fish was a massive narcissist," explained Mrs Skool. "He had a huge inferiority complex and thought he had to prove himself by holding his breath until the tide came back in. When I tried to help him he screamed that he was 'not a child anymore!' and that I should stop looking at him like he was some sort of 'buffoon.' Personally I blame his parents."


Gone Surfing

The general consensus was that Jerry had arrived at his predicament by misjudging a wave-break while surfing.

"They're all doing it these days," an elderly gentlemen told us. "It's dangerous, the way they fly about, and they have no respect for the tourists."

By 6pm word had got around and a large group of spectators were stood watching the tide roll back in.

"We just had to see this," said the Marrow family. "It's a big moment for the town. If he pulls it off, then Jerry could be Fallshores' David Blaine."

By six thirty the ocean was lapping up at the sea breams tail, and a few moments later, with the crash of a large wave, Jerry was finally submerged again. Some heard him laughing, some heard him hollering abuse, everyone saw him flash the V's.

With a cheeky smile, Fallshores' David Blaine turned and swam off into the night.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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