Written by IN SEINE
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Monday, 12 March 2012

image for Britain Will Be Plagued by Vampires!

If those rocket scientists in the British government seize the opportunity to ban the wearing of the cross in public in an effort to eradicate Christianity, the law abiding folk in this 'Sceptred Isle' will find themselves facing a problem, that if not dealt with immediate effect will spell DOOM.

A far more dangerous enemy is seizing the opportunity to easily quadruple their population overnight. In fact, there will be more of them within two weeks, than the birth rate of muslins each year! In this article "overnight" is the operative word. The enemy in question is the vampire. Yes, vampires are real!

There have been several sightings around Whitby in Yorkshire already. Just imagine, if one vampire bit 10 people in one night, then that would be 100 the next night and then 1000 the night after. Before you know it, the whole country will be infested. The numbers of illegal immigrants will pale into insignificance within a few weeks!

Inseine News was on hand to speak to Nora Applethwaite, who works for Whitby Council pest control. She said: "For centuries it has been well-known that the cross is the most effective weapon against the vampire and what was shown on Hammer House of Horror films was like watching a documentary. They were warnings really! We have been using them successfully for a long time - but because of government "political correctness", we are now limited as to what we can use. Vampires see this as a victory.

"Probably the most effective weapons that we have is a chair leg or a broom handle - it's getting a bit like the home guardout there! Someone suggested that we used garlic to ward them off until we found that this was only applicable to Witches. Someone else suggested that we use silver bullets but they are in very short supply in Yorkshire, and yes, they are effective but the reality is that they are in short supply."

"All we can do at the moment is stay away from Churches, especially belfries, and group together in Village Halls, pray and wait for daylight. I have managed to contact a Mr Van Helsing, but he says that it might take him 3 days to get here. It would seem that the whole future of the country will be at stake!" she said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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