Jesus Christ has been told by the government that he can no longer be crucified at Easter. Equalities minister Lynne Featherstone has instructed lawyers to claim that the cross is not central to Jesus' everyday life. Instead, the lawyers will seek a ruling that Jesus will not be allowed to die on the cross on Good Friday. Such a ruling would obviously place Easter Sunday under threat, as death is normally a prerequisite for a resurrection.
This controversial move is certain to anger Church leaders. The Pope makes a tidy living selling rosaries and other crucifix-related trinkits, and he is unlikely to accept a substantial drop in income. The coalition government is already on course for a major clash with Church leaders over gay marriage; now a further issue looks set to send David Cameron ever nearer to the gates of Hell.
Speaking from his home in Dunstable, Jesus said "The Equalities Commission accepted my right to be crucified as a token of my religious beliefs. Now the government is backing down from this. I suspect that there is a serpent in the garden of 10 Downing Street." The allegation was vigourously denied by a government insider, before he slithered off.
Jesus had previously fought a legal battle with British Airways, when the airline had refused to allow his cross as carry-on luggage on a flight to Benidorm. BA did drop the case when Jesus threatened to get his father involved.
The Government is sticking to the argument that the cross is not a central part of Christian faith. Instead they want Jesus to consider the electric chair or lethal injection as a means of death. Christian groups are said to be angry about the idea of having to make the sign of the electric chair or syringe in Church. There is sure to be a number of protests during the Easter period. As Jesus put it, "It's just one more cross I'll have to bare."