London, 14 March 2006 - (Associated Mess): New Scotland Yard admitted today that it has taken up recent controversial US counter-terrorism policies of bugging the phone calls of dubious public figures suspected of involvement in politics.
Despite frantic TV protests from ethics-monitor Ms Shabby Chakra-Butty, head of the UK National Council for Diabolical Liberties, the Met has confirmed that its Commissioner Sir Ian Blair regularly tapes phone conversations with assorted Whitehall slimeballs, trendy Poodle-suckers, Riggs Bank account holders and officials of the British Skull 'N' Bones Osteoporosis division in his relentless crusade against humbuggery: "They really bug him, so he bugs them back", said a spokesman.
The furore surrounding these revelations reached fever pitch yesterday when the Association of UK Police Officers issued a brief statement saying: "It's all in the job description: bugging the buggers. That's what we do best, so sue us if you don't like it".
Few can argue with the logic of the Met's new strategy. Experts in the Department for Constitutional Affairs admitted to being baffled by the legal complexities of the situation given that at the end of last year US President George Bush said no one needs a warrant nowadays to eavesdrop on suspicious characters masquarading as bona fide terrorists.
Met supremo Sir Ian was back at is desk today after a brief early Spring holiday pursuing his favorite off-piste hobby of touring the offices of international telecom surveillance equipment manufacturing companies. His spokesman declined to comment further on reports that the Boss was also working on personal memoirs in his spare time, collating a lifetime's worth of warm reminiscences of his many cosy fireside phone chats with Whitehall residents, Labour Party loan arrangers, pals of Jeffrey Archer, global WMD experts and members of Robert Maxwell's family. Nor that MI5 holds the global film rights to all the accompanying footage that illustrates these biographical reminiscences. Nor any long-standing legal agreements made between the security and intelligence services and Sir Ian concerning the public premiere of this footage that may well accompany the launch of his official memoirs at a date in the not too distant future.